S2 | EP4: Black Lives Matter: Doing the Anti-Racism Work

Continuing with my five-years-later review of Season 2 of The Soul's Work Podcast (which started here), today's reflection is on Episode 4: "Black Lives Matter: Doing the Anti-Racism Work."

I recorded this episode on June 3, 2020. At that time, we saw a surge in the public discourse about police brutality and racism against Black people, George Floyd’s murder by the cops, Amy Cooper weaponizing her white privilege against Christian Cooper (a Black man and birdwatcher), Ahmaud Arbery’s murder by three white men, Breonna Taylor’s murder by the police, and we can name so many more. 

We also saw a plethora of social media posts and articles come out with calls to action to white folks to unpack their privilege and do their part to dismantle the system and culture of white supremacy we live in. And all non-Black people in general were called on to be better allies to Black folks, do our own anti-racism/anti-bias work, and take action against racism.

While much of the conversation was taking place in the U.S., it was undoubtedly relevant to our own white supremacist culture in so-called Canada. I saw many Canadians who were clear-eyed to that fact advocating on this issue, and others basically denying that racism exists here too. 

In Episode 4, I wanted to share a bit about my personal journey navigating my own anti-racism/anti-bias work and reflect on: How do we sit with the challenging feelings we may be experiencing and mobilize ourselves to help dismantle our culture of white supremacy? 

It was a time when many were waking up to the brutal realities of the world we live in. Some were becoming radicalized for the first time. Many felt angry, horrified, charged-up, grief-stricken, and hopeless confronting the harm that our systems of oppression have committed for centuries.

We were experiencing great social upheaval, but also a lot of internal turmoil that shook us to our core. Many who have bore witness to the current stage of the genocide in Gaza over the past two years have likely experienced a similar shaking-up of their internal (and external) world that can feel hard to contend with.

In the episode, I wasn't speaking as an anti-racism expert or educator – because I wasn't and am not one. And I worried that I might "mess up" with my words, no matter how careful I tried to be.

But I had learned about the importance of not waiting for perfection to speak up (it will never come). This work is truly a lifelong learning and doing process, where we'll stumble and fall at times. But with support, it does get easier to stand up again and forge ahead. 

(As I said on the pod, do listen to and learn from Black educators, activists, and authors first and foremost when doing this work. They know their lived experience and what they require of us for solidarity, justice, and healing).

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In Episode 4, I shared some of my background on the issue of anti-Black racism. A huge part of what has shaped my perspectives is my education (I studied sociology and criminology in undergrad, and then did a Master’s of Criminology) and my first career (which was in the criminal justice field).

It was through those experiences that I learned to look at our social systems – such as our criminal justice institutions (the courts, policing, prisons) and media – through a critical lens. I came to understand how these systems perpetuate anti-Black racism.

I actually wrote more about that here: "Connecting the Dots: Why Do I Care So Much About Palestine? | Reflections on the Gaza Genocide (Part 1)," so I won't repeat what I said in this post. Let's just say that during the surge of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement in 2020, I was already quite aware that anti-Black racism, and racism generally, is alive and well in Canada.

I do want to expand on this one part of that post though:

"I also started down my 'spiritual development journey' which led me to discover how white supremacist, capitalist, and colonialist practices and ideas also pervade the so-called 'wellness' and therapy spaces."

Because this is where I came across Black educators like Layla Saad, Leesa Renee Hall, and Desiree Adaway on social media (a few years before the 2020 surge of BLM), who opened my eyes even further. 

I became more aware of how racism and capitalism is upheld in the wellness industry – for example, through white women's cultural appropriation of healing practices, the spiritual bypassing often promoted by white spiritual “leaders” to their followers, the either exclusion or tokenism of non-white wellness practitioners in conferences, and so on. 

(By the way, on this topic, I highly recommend reading "From Yoga to Ayahuasca- Can we buy healing in a burning world?" by Ayesha Khan.)

Importantly, I realized that as much as I had always worked to fight against racism here – for example, through my work in the criminal justice field – I hadn't really turned inward to examine how I might unwittingly be contirbuting to the very oppression I was seeking to end.

Through hearing other Asian-identifying people speak out on anti-oppressive practices, I also learned that while I did hold a marginalized identity as a Korean person, I was also afforded a certain level of privilege within the fucked-up racial hierarchy imposed in white supremacist culture. (If you're not sure what I mean, read up on the Model Minority Myth.)

It was eye-opening, a bit jarring, and an opportunity for me to go deeper into the anti-racism work.

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It's common for us to feel shame or guilt of knowing that we’ve allowed this to go on, even if it’s been in implicit ways, by simply not doing anything or not doing enough, not speaking out when we should have. As well as the fear of messing up or being judged if we do start speaking up now and taking action. 

You might already sense the cloud hanging over your head of potentially having to see yourself as holding racist beliefs, as having done racist things in your life. No one wants to see themselves in that light, right? Especially, if you truly have seen yourself all this time as not racist, as a generally good person. And maybe you have this feeling that it might be better to just stay silent – you know, maybe you’re going to like a few anti-racists posts, share the ones that everyone seems to be sharing, and then kind of quietly fade into the background as the rest of life takes over for everyone.

You're not alone if you feel these things. I think the majority of people do. I feel fear and uncertainty sometimes about what to do. I sometimes feel a lot of doubt about what I share on my social media, how I post things, what I say, the terminology I use. I’m always worried that I’m going to say the wrong thing and offend the very people I’m trying to uplift and support. I worry that I'm not going to do enough to help. 

And these emotions were really starting to overwhelm me a couple of days ago. It had all really accumulated after several days of really having my head in all of this. And what I ended up doing was to take my own advice from Episode 2 of this season, and I paused to sit there with all of those feelings, instead of pushing them to the wayside so that I could just keep on going, or instead of allowing them to build up inside and implode on me.

So, I placed my hand on my heart, because that felt comforting and grounding, and I identified what those feelings were. Shame and guilt at what could I have done more of, and sooner. Grief at the tragedies that have been happening to Black lives, and witnessing the trauma that it’s been inflicting on Black folks – as an empathic person, I definitely take that in at a very deep level. Overwhelm at this sense of, there’s so much to do, and how am I going to it all, and where am I going to start? Fear of not doing it right, of potentially offending someone. 

And I just acknowledged that it was normal to feel all of those ways, and specifically why it was understandable for each of those things to be felt. Whether it’s because there’s still so much to learn, and the unknown can feel scary. Or because we all want to see ourselves as the good person we’ve believed ourselves to be, and it can create this sense of dissonance to possibly uncover that we’re part of a very terrible problem that’s hurting people – so, yeah, that’s going to feel overwhelming and scary. 

And as I said a couple of episodes ago, it's not really about fixing any of those feelings for me. It’s literally just about acknowledging that they are there, and that it’s understandable that I feel them, and specifically why, so that it's addressed, and I can then make space for the actual work at hand.

And so, I would invite you to maybe do the same, if that’s something you feel can help you. Especially if you really want to do the work, but the shame and other hard feelings are so overwhelming that they're keeping you stuck from genuinely doing the work––i.e. doing the work because you know it’s the right thing to do, not because you feel guilt-tripped into it, which I don't believe is sustainable. 

I joined Leesa Renee Hall’s Patreon page (she is a fellow Torontonian, by the way). 

The self-work that was most front and center for me at that time was exploring and learning about and attempting to heal my experiences with trauma for really the first time in my life. And it was an incredibly emotionally and mentally draining process. And of course, there were times when I was more deeply in it and literally all-consumed by it, unable to even do my paid work some days, and often in total freeze mode, and crying a lot; and there were other times when I needed long breaks from the work because it was too painful to revisit it.

So I know I was going through my stuff, and I know how hard it felt for me to hold space for, and to have the emotional capacity to do, anything else that was like self-work for a really long time. But regardless, I do want to share that I am sitting here trying to reconcile what I could have done more of in that time to speak out and act against racism, and what more I could have done long before that time. We are privileged, as non-Black folks, to get to shut ourselves off from these issues whenever we want to. That is the reality. 

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And then, after sitting with those feelings, what I found to be really helpful was to then recall what it is, for me, that compels me to do the work and to speak out, despite all of those uncomfortable emotions. So anchoring to the deep underlying reasons that I value doing this work. So I anchor to something I had asserted for myself a few months ago, that the only thing I truly care about doing as a life goal or purpose from here on out, until I leave the Earth, is becoming free of my traumas, and the unhealthy cycles and patterns that have come along with that, and helping others, as much as I can, to become free themselves so they can live their best lives in this world.

I anchor to the love and care and respect I have for the Black folks who have touched my life. I anchor to the image of their faces and to the experiences I’ve had knowing them as incredible human beings. I anchor to the deep knowing in my gut that what is happening, what has been happening for hundreds of years, against Black people, because of the colour of their skin, is so unjustly wrong. I anchor to images I have seen of Black lives being destroyed at the hands of white supremacy that I never want to see being recreated again.

In the episode, I talked about making a plan, something concrete that many Black educators were calling for folks to do to ensure that this anti-racism work continues over the long-term, and is not once again just forgotten.

Even if it's not a formal, written plan, I think the idea of laying out actionable things we can do can help alleviate some of the overwhelm we may feel at times confronting something that seems so enormous and all-encompassing. Although even if we're getting practical about it, I felt being driven by the emotional is an important piece. 

Sydnei from @hermodernlife on Instagram said something to this point in her May 29 post, that: "We can't all be on the frontline, but we can all be part of the revolution." And her caption said: "A movement only works if EVERYONE is moving." And she gives some suggestions in that post that some people's calling might be to make signs, others might be to be the organizers and researchers, some people may be the caretakers, others the donators.

So, the idea is what are your capacities, your skills, your resources that you can contribute to this movement for the liberation of Black people, for the dismantling of our culture of white supremacy? 

So, even though things can feel extremely bleak some moments, I’m encouraged by Nasimiyu Murumba – I hope I pronounced her name correctly – she is on Instagram @nasimiyu____ (4 underscores) and wrote on her June 2nd 2020 post that: “Allyship does not require you to be perfect, experienced, or to be completely free of internalized racism. It simply requires you to stay curious, keep showing up, and relinquish the need to center yourself in the narrative."

"I’m calling myself in to continue doing this work, and I’m calling in everyone to do the same. Educate yourself on what you're fighting for. Anchor to the reasons why you're fighting for it. And know that this is going to be an ongoing journey and a process. Something that has been operating for hundreds of years does not get fixed overnight, which means we have to still be doing it long after the hashtags stop trending on social media, long after people are not paying as much attention to and liking our posts."

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At the end of the episode, I said that I'd continue the conversation on the podcast. I had been working on an episode about the model minority myth that I had planned to share. Ultimately, I didn't end up recording another episode