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May 13, 2021

To Speak or Not to Speak?

To Speak or Not to Speak?

To speak or not to speak. It's a question I've wrestled with many times during the life of this podcast. I almost decided to retire altogether after my short stint with Season 1. And after taking the plunge into Season 2, I've faced several moments where I've just wanted to scrap the whole thing once again.

It's hard for someone like me to reckon with the possibility that something I say might lead a listener in a direction that doesn't actually work for them. Or worse, causes them harm in some way.

That maybe I'll share some piece of "expert knowledge" that I later find out has numerous caveats and rebuttals, but that a listener stored in the back of their mind as a "fact."

I think about my Season 1 episodes and how much I just didn't know at the time. How many things I'd say differently if I could go back and weave more nuance into my words.

As I've published the episodes in my Trauma Healing series over the past few months, I feel like I've been learning something new about trauma every other day. Oof, too late! The words have already been projected into the podverse, and according to my statistics page, there are several people who have already taken them in.

Deep breath.

Well, here's where I've landed for now with this conundrum. I'm reminding myself why I started this podcast in the first place, and why I chose to give Season 2 a shot ...

First, to add another female Asian voice to the podcast world – one who speaks on topics that are traditionally taboo in the Asian culture (i.e., mental health, addiction, etc.). When I was younger, it would have made a difference to know that someone who looked like me was going through the same challenges. Representation matters.

Second, to share with the people closest to me (and even those I don't know) that they're not alone in their life struggles. This young woman who people see on Instagram as courageous, creative, and living an awesome life traveling abroad and living on a farm has also dealt with alcohol dependency, childhood and relational trauma, and many years of financial and housing instability. It's been a long process of healing from all of it. Life still feels gloomy sometimes. And I'm still working on allowing more joy and connection into my life. I want people to know that part too, because it's what's human.

And third, to let people know that while I never want to advocate that my way is "the right way" (because there is no such thing), perhaps my journey will offer a glimpse into healing and self-growth approaches folks might not have considered before. Particularly in a world and self-development industry that still pushes the idea that as long as you think positive, you can achieve anything. There's more to it than that – that much I do stand firm on.

So I'll keep speaking for now. A year down the road, I might be shaking my head at myself, but hopefully y'all will be way more forgiving of me than I am of myself. In the meantime, if you're here, thank you for letting me know through your presence that you think my voice has a place in this world.

With love,